living out loud, dancing through life, trying to find a place in this world

my heart is open

2010-04-09T21:51:00.000-06:00

seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
scared of love, but scared of life alone
seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
building walls around my heart to save me, oh
but it's time for me to let it go

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

just when you think that love will never find you
you run away but still it's right behind you, oh
it's just something that we can't control

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

so come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again

My heart is open. The other day I was listening to Keith Urban's song, "My Heart is Open," and really reflected on the condition my heart was in. And I realized that it is open. More open now than it has been in a long time. Gone are the days of hiding behind a protective wall of security and fear. I'm open. I'm ready to lay my heart out on the floor-to really fall, even if it hurts-especially if it hurts. I'm open to potentially hurting much more than I ever have before, because that means that I will have had so much more joy and happiness than I have had. Keith Urban's song talks about the point on having an open heart when you have found someone to open it to, but the song above, "Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antebellum, describes more the point where I am. I was scared of love and scared of life alone. I was playing on the safe side, with walls around my heart, but I've moved past that. I'm ready to feel. I'm not afraid of the fall down. I'm ready to move on in my life, to find someone and not be afraid of how it might end. I'm ready to really love. And the best thing is that this open heart of mine doesn't just refer to a potential relationship with a significant other. My heart is open and ready to love everyone, to really be the best kind of person I can be, to really share the love I have and feel with others. I read a book yesterday, A Heart Like His by Virginia H. Pearce, and it was amazing and an amazing experience to read. I had just been thinking about how my heart was open and the entire book is about opening our hearts to really feel God's love for us and share that love with those around us, to allow that love and openness to change us and give us "a heart like His." I truly realized how open my heart was at that moment and how I want to make it a goal in my life to have a more open heart. In just the past day while I have been aware of the openness of my heart I have had so much more joy and happiness and my capacity to love has increased exponentially. It is so AMAZING!

My heart is open. And I love. :)

so much more

2010-02-27T16:31:00.006-07:00

It's been kind of a rough month and I feel like my emotions have been all over the place. I feel so much so deeply, but at the same time I don't really know what I feel. Although I am acutely aware of the fact that I am feeling, I'm not sure WHAT I am feeling because I am feeling so many different emotions at the same time and for so many different reasons. They say emotions are a roller coaster, but this seems to be so much more than that. I think that I am on three different roller coaster's at the same time or something. It is kind of crazy. Even amidst all of this, life is good. I love the power of music and how it can describe and convey my emotions so perfectly and bring me peace, happiness, and understanding. I recently discovered a song by Mindy and Dustin Gledhill called "So Much More" and it has given me a lot of peace in my life recently. Here are the lyrics:

tell me, is it true?
are you really who they say you are?
I've been searching my whole life through
for a light, for a Savior, for you

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

I've had my doubts and fears
and there are days when I don't know why I'm here
guide me and show the way
and I'll pray to feel your spirit near

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

I long to know
if faith in God can heal me
as I kneel I start to feel
your power and presence near

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

so much more

He does speak to me. I listen because I do believe. I feel. And there is so much more to life and so much more to me. More than I even know.

life

2010-01-21T16:00:00.008-07:00

I'm feeling like this in my life right now:

staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof
after all the crushes are faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
get here

searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
when I see you
until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
staying up all night just to write
a love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance
and watched you walk away?
oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance
and watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here oh yeah

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me

(John Mayer "Love Song for No One")

I want to have someone feel this way about me:

sitting here, on this lonely dock
watch the rain play on the ocean top
all the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too

now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
you're the one thing that I'm missing here
with you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
had I seen the way to get to where I am today
you waited on me for so long
so now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too
say you feel the way I do

(Joshua Radin "I'd Rather Be With You")

And I discovered the lyrics to this song today:

time to tell me the truth
to burden your mouth for what you say
no pieces of paper in the way
cause I can't continue pretending to choose
the opposite sides on which we fall
the loving you laters if at all
no right minds could wrong me this many times

my memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
defending intentions if he fails
until now, he told me her name
it sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
if only I had been listening

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me
always between the lines
between the lines

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed
that we'd move from the shadows on the wall
and stand in the center of it all
too late two choices to stay or to leave
mine was so easy to uncover
he'd already left with the other
so I've learned to listen through silence

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me always be
you and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
wait for me I'm almost ready
when he meant let go

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me
always be
you and me
always between the lines

(Sara Bareilles "Between the Lines")

My favorite lines are:

no right minds could wrong me this many times

my memory is cruel

I'm queen of attention to details
defending intentions if he fails

um, yes. I totally know where she is coming from.

a change in me

2009-11-05T17:14:00.004-07:00

there's been a change in me
a kind of moving on
though what I used to be
I still depend on
for now I realize
that good can come from bad
that may not make me wise
but oh it makes me glad

and I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
my childhood dreams
but I don't mind
for now I love the world I see
no change of heart a change in me

for in my dark despair
I slowly understood
my perfect world out there
had disappeared for good
but in it's place I feel
a truer life begin
and it's so good and real
it must come from within

and I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
my childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
no change of heart
a change in me

no change of heart
a change in me

A few weeks ago as I was walking to work and thinking about life (yes, I got a job, it is at the grocery store Macey's in Provo) this song kept coming to me. It is from the musical "Beauty and the Beast," originally sung by Susan Egan, but the version I have and love is by Mindy Gledhill. (Can I just say that I love the songs she sings, every last one of them. She sings with such emotion and I can just feel the songs.) Just about every word of this song can describe my life right now. The last little while I have really noticed that I changed a lot over the course of the summer and I didn't even notice it. I have become more patient in my life and a lot better at waiting on the Lord. It is definitely something I was struggling with for at least the last year, but now I am content to be patient and wait for things to happen in the Lord's timing. The other day in my scripture study I was reading in the end of Matthew 2 and there is one verse that tells about Christ growing up in Nazareth, but there is a footnote to the Joseph Smith Translation with 3 more verses, 24-26:

24 And it came to pass that Jesus grew up with his brethren, and waxed strong, and waited upon the Lord for the time of his ministry to come.
25 And he served under his father, and he spake not as other men, neither could he be taught; for he needed not that any man should teach him.
26 And after many years, the hour of his ministry drew nigh.

Christ "waited upon the Lord for the time of his ministry," and it says that it was only "after many years" that "the hour of his ministry drew nigh." Christ waited upon the Lord for a very long time (he didn't start his ministry until he was 30), and as I am learning to wait upon the Lord I am becoming more like Him. And just like the song says, for the most part, I AM where and who I want to be. And I am willing to wait for what the Lord has in store for me. :)

wide open spaces

2009-09-25T12:44:00.002-06:00

who doesn't know what I'm talking about?
who's never left home, who's never struck out?
to find a dream and a life of their own
a place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

many precede and many will follow
a young girl's dreams no longer hollow
it takes the shape of a place out west
but what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

she needs wide open spaces
room to make her big mistakes
she needs new faces
she knows the highest stakes

she traveled this road as a child
wide-eyed and grinning, she never tired
but now she won't be coming back with the rest
if these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

she needs wide open spaces
room to make her big mistakes
she needs new faces
she knows the highest stakes
she knows the highest stakes

This is kind of where I am in my life. Basically, this song could be a theme song for what I am doing in my life, why I am living in Provo instead of at home, even though I don't have a job yet and the balance in my bank account continues to drop to an all-time low. I'm ready to live life and see if I can make it on my own. It may be an epic fail, but I'm still hoping for things to work out. And I know they will work out, just probably not in the way that I am expecting.

songs from the summer

2009-09-07T18:02:00.004-06:00

So . . . this summer. It was a good one. A hard one, but a good one. I worked as a Building Counselor for EFY and I loved it. This job really was an answer to all of my prayers during winter semester. I was originally only hired as a counselor for three weeks and was wondering what I was going to do for the rest of the summer and how I was going to make money. And then a month before EFY began, I got a call that they needed more BC's and that they wanted me. Definitely a tender mercy in my life. And that is how this summer came about. I worked for eight weeks as a BC in Provo and two as a counselor in Ogden. During this time, the two songs that I probably listened to the most and that described different parts of my life were Sara Evans' "Need to Be Next to You" and Lady Antebellum's"One Day You Will." Mostly just the beginning part of Sara Evans' song described my life, the first verse and the beginning of the chorus:

been running from these feelings for so long
telling myself I didn't need you
pretending I was better off alone
but I know that it's just a lie
so afraid to take a chance again
so afraid of what I feel inside

but I need to be next to you

The first time I heard "One Day You Will" I knew that it was going to be a favorite song of mine. And then I really listened to the lyrics and I fell in love with it all over again.

you feel like you're falling backwards
like you're slippin' through the cracks
like no one would even notice
if you left this town and never came back
you walk outside and all you see is rain
you look inside and all you feel is pain
and you can't see it now

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

you wake up every morning and ask yourself
what am I doing here anyway
with the weight of all those disappointments
whispering in your ear
you're just barely hanging by a thread
you wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
and you don't know it yet

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

find the strength to rise above
you will
find just what you're made of, you're made of

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

one day you will
oh, one day you will

During the summer there were many times where I felt like I was slipping through the cracks. I just didn't feel like things were going to work out or know how they would, and I still really don't know how they will, but I know that they will. I still haven't found everything I'm looking for (a job, love, and so many other things), but one day I will. My life will work out. :)

I will rest in you

2009-04-01T22:37:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to share the lyrics from a song that has really helped me at many times throughout my life. I love all of Mindy Gledhill's music, but this song in particular has special meaning to me. It is called "I will rest in you." Listen to it somehow, it is wonderful. Whenever I have had a bad day, or am just feeling down for whatever reason I can listen to this song and everything seems to fade away. The music calms me and her words become my words, my plea for help to my Heavenly Father. I am enveloped in the calm and peace of the spirit and truly begin to rest in Him.

Lord, I’m in the dark
seems to me the light is dead while I come crawling
no one there, the sky is falling
Lord, I need to know
my mind is playing games again; you’re right where you have always been

take me back to you
the place that I once knew
as a little child
constantly the eyes of God watched over me
oh, I want to be, in the place that I once knew
as a little child
fall into the bed of faith prepared for me
I will rest in you
I will rest in you
I will rest in you

tell me I’m a fool
tell me that you love me for the fool I am
and comfort me like only you can
tell me there’s a place
where I can feel your breath like sweet caresses on my face again

take me back to you
the place that I once knew
as a little child
constantly the eyes of God watched over me
oh, I want to be, in the place that I once knew
as a little child
fall into the bed of faith prepared for me
I will rest in you
I will rest in you
I will rest in you, ah

I will rest in you
I will rest in you
I will rest in you

I will rest in you

I will rest in you
I will rest in you
I will rest in you

africa

2009-02-26T22:06:00.004-07:00

I love Africa. I do. And I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I am looking into applying for internships with various humanitarian agencies, and I keep on remembering my experience in Uganda. I lived there a few summers ago for a few months and it was an amazing experience. I learned so much. I was able to get to know so many amazing people and adorable children. I started a program where I would read and play activity songs with the kindergarten age students at one of the schools we volunteered at and this is what greeted me every day when I arrived:

I miss it. A lot. I really wish I could go back. I would love to do that with my summer and the rest of my life. On my way back to the United States, after my experience in Uganda, I wrote something in the airport that I want to share, just basically my thoughts on leaving(with a few lyrics from Carrie Underwood songs that I was listening to and applied to my life at the time):

don't forget to remember me . . .

so excited to go home, but really sad and missing the kids. oh how I love them, I just want to hug them one last time. sharon and peace and sharon and shafic and paul and tazuli and julliet and faizo and hamidan and nakato and miriam and mariam and fiona and fiona and lydia and molly and agnes and all of them, every single one, even alex the leech and colline the thumb-sucker and bum-toucher, and eric with his huge smile and sick hands and just everyone, all of their smiles and all of their laughter, will I ever hear it again? It breaks my heart to think that I won't, that I won't know what will happen in their lives, that some of them will die in the next few years, more will be orphaned, some will get aids, be raped, be beaten, it makes me hurt inside, they are so innocent and the world is so unfair.

. . . moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.

And I said goodbye. I have even recently been toying with the idea of starting an orphanage somewhere in Africa. The desire to do that has recently returned to me. So I don't really know what I am doing with my life, but maybe it will include Africa.

yesterday the odds were stacked in favor of my expectations

2009-01-30T18:10:00.002-07:00

The other day as I was peeling an orange, I noticed something about myself and learned a life lesson. I love oranges and that is definitely a good thing because I take a lot of time to peel them. And if I didn't love oranges so much I don't think that I would go through all the work. I almost always peel my oranges rather than cutting them. And, once I have taken off the orange peel I spend at least another five to seven minutes peeling off all the white stuff that is still stuck on the orange. Even while I am eating my orange, I take the time to peel off the little bitter bits of whiteness. And I am really patient about it, the orange is worth it enough to me to go through all that work for the end product of delicious, juicy, fleshy, orange-ness. I realized that I need to have more of that kind of patience in my life, especially with all of my frustrations deciding what step to take next in my life. So I am trying to do that.

One of the Christmas presents I received was a guitar. I was very surprised and excited to get it because my mom had told me that it wasn't going to happen. I love playing the guitar and spend a lot of time working on it. I am nowhere near good, but I love that I can see when I improve. When a difficult chord becomes easy, or I pick up a new strumming pattern (still working on the picking patterns though). I am definitely growing my patience while learning to play the guitar.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to the open house for the Draper Temple. I was very excited. For probably the last 4 or 5 years or so, one of my strongest desires is to go to the temple and receive my endowment. Part of me just aches for that experience. I have had to learn a lot of patience while waiting for this opportunity. I still get frustrated about it from time to time, but know that it will all work out, and probably in some way that I never would have thought possible.

Yet another aspect of my current life that has forced me to learn patience is in my decisions for the future. I applied for Teach For America and had a phone interview. I was so excited to go live somewhere in the United States and teach in an under-privileged school. And it was something that I know I could be successful in and really make a difference in the lives of children. Alas, I was not invited for a final interview. They didn't want me. More than being disappointed about the rejection, I am just a little bit frustrated that, once again, I need to come up with a new life plan. As exciting as it is, I kind of just want something to work out. Another thing I noticed after this experience is that quite a few times in my life, people or organizations act as if they really want me, recruiting me to be a part of their group, to apply for a certain position, or, in the case of people, to act as if they like me and want to date me, and then rescind their desire for me. That is also a frustration. And where the song lyric for today's post comes. The song is by Alison Krauss, entitled "Maybe." Only the first few lines really apply to my life right now, but it is a beautiful song. Listen to it!

Yesterday the odds were stacked in favor of my expectations
Lying above the rest, never falling from the nest
Tuesday came and went and now I'm in a little situation
Maybe it's for the best, I can live alone I guess

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

Forgive if I'm keeping you apart from better conversation
I'm numb from all my doubt, trying to sort the whole thing out
Tell me that I'm smart enough to deal with all the information
Spinning inside my head, every word he ever said

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

every step I take's an act of faith

2009-01-14T15:36:00.003-07:00

So it's been a while since I last posted. A few highlights from the last few months include:

~spending a lot of time with my family, I love them!
~official graduation from college, I now officially have a BA, weird!
~turning in my Teach For America application (I have a phone interview this weekend, I'll keep you updated)

I don't really have much to say. I'm happy and excited for everything that I have ahead of me. And I really think I want to do the Teach For America thing. The more I find out about it, I want to be involved in it. So that is probably the number one thing on my list for what to do with my life now that I am graduated from college. I feel really good about it, I know that if I do it, it will be hard, but I am up for the challenge and the growth that will come with it. I am ready to move on with my life. I am not exactly sure what is going to happen and that is scary, but I know that it will all work out. Every step I take really is an act of faith, which is good for me. That line comes from a song sung by Bianca Ryan called "Awake" and I think that it somewhat relates to my life and my excitement for the future. It's the closest thing I could find to a song that describes my life, so enjoy!

Lost in the crowd where forever I'll never be seen.
Shouting out loud, gotta find a way out of this dream, mhmmmm.
Cause I don't want to hide, not from the world outside.
Today my eyes are open wide.

And now I'm awake.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
And now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

Maybe I'm shy, but inside I just wanna be free.
Maybe I found there's a quiet in people like me, mhmmmm.
But there's a noise within, that's where our voice begins.
And then the sound of silence ends.

And now I'm awake.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
And now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

So every step I take's an act of faith.
Everywhere I go I find myself.

Now I'm awake, mmmmm.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
Now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong, I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

Now I'm awake.

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me

2008-11-12T12:28:00.003-07:00

So I kind of have this problem wherein I get excited about many different things. Generally this is a good thing because being excited and happy is a good thing, but difficulties often arise when the various things I am getting excited about are what I am going to do with my life. I graduate in December and so now I am striving to make the decision of what I want to be when I grow up, what path I should pursue after graduation. There are so many options and I would enjoy and grow from all of them. So it is hard to make a decision. As an example, I will share an event from my life last week:
One of the things that I am looking into doing after graduation is Teach For America, which is an amazing program and I would enjoy doing. I was invited to a luncheon with a few students currently in the program and other prospective core members. And it was a great experience. I came out of the luncheon feeling that TFA was the thing for me! I was so excited to go and teach underprivileged kids and knew that it was going to be a great experience. I had started my application for the program and only had a few short essays to write before submitting it three days later. I was on my way! Then, the next day I went to an information session for the Master of Public Policy program here at BYU, which is another option I am looking into. I sat and listened and thought, well, of course this is what I want to do! I was all excited to apply to and begin the program. So the problem is that on Wednesday I was all for TFA and then Thursday I came home all revved up for an MPP. And from time to time I get excited about my other options: an internship with the LDS Church Humanitarian Services, finding a random job working in a local NGO or other service organization, getting a random job in an office and volunteering in many different organizations, or so many other things . . . I am excited for what the future will bring to me, but I just wish that I could decide which step to take. I love getting excited about things, but sometimes it is also frustrating. And yet, amidst all the confusion, I am certain that everything will come together in my life and work out for the best. I have faith and hope that it will, and it will. :)

p.s. I had second thoughts about TFA (not wanting to apply on a whim) and so decided not to apply until the application deadline in January, to give myself more time to make the decision.

my faith in you was fading . . .

2008-10-22T15:28:00.003-06:00

Last night I was talking to one of my roommates and basically came to the conclusion that I have pretty much lost my confidence in guys. Because of my past experiences and relationships (if they can be called relationships) I now just expect nothing to ever work out. I expect that a guy will not be true to his word, but instead say a lot of nice things about what we are going to do together and then just fall of the face of the planet and never call or talk to me again. Or I am certain that he will find a new girl that he likes better than me and just leave me hanging with no explanation. Now, somewhere in my head I know that there are guys out there that aren't like that, that are true to their word and won't disappear on me. But I haven't found them and so I continue expecting guys to disappear, and so far they have been. The fact that I expect them to disappear probably doesn't make the situation any better, but thus it is. Surprisingly, a verse from Taylor Swift's new song "Love Story" really resonates with me:

I got tired of waiting
wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you was fading
. . . and I said
romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head, I don’t know what to think

Now the end of this story ends happily and hopefully mine will too. There will be a guy out there who will be true to his word and prove to me time and time again that he isn't just going to disappear and walk out on me. So, here's hoping for some happy endings! :)

fall

2008-10-13T22:31:00.004-06:00

So I have realized lately something that I guess I really have known for a while, but it just hit me once again recently. Girls are really good at hiding their feelings and pretending like they are totally okay when in fact they are so far from being okay it is really scary. I suppose guys could potentially be this way too, but I don't really have major amounts of insight into their thought processes seeing as how I grew up with four sisters (and eventually gained a baby brother, but he doesn't count for these things) and now live solely with other females. I know there are so many times in my life where I just pretend like everything is okay either because everyone else around me isn't okay and I need to be the stable one, or I just don't want people to know that I am not actually as stable and sure of myself as I appear to be. The song "Fall" by Clay Walker pretty much describes this and basically I love it because he tells her that it is okay to fall apart and not be okay. I want someone in my life that I can be "not okay" with. Someone who will comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. To wipe away my tears, kiss my forehead, and envelop me in their arms. So I am just waiting for that day. :)

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, honey, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

a constant state of revision

2008-10-08T12:33:00.004-06:00

For the past month or so I have been getting together the final things I need in order to graduate with honors. I turned in my portfolio last week which was a really weird feeling. I mean, being done with something that you have been thinking about for the last four years is a strange feeling. And I have been revising my thesis so many times. Basically I have been revising it constantly for the past month, which can be really frustrating at times since I just want to have it done. But I am getting closer and closer to having it be something good and worthwhile. I turned it in to the honors department today, but will probably still change it a little bit more in the coming weeks before my defense. It needs to be stronger in some ways and hopefully I can do that.
Anyway, with all this thinking about revision and thinking that I was in a constant state of revision, I realized that the idea of revision could really apply to my life in so many ways. I really am in a constant state of revision. I always am working to make myself a better person, cutting out the parts of my life that are less than satisfactory and reordering things. As different things happen in my life I have to adjust to them. And I will be constantly revising because I am not going to be complete and finished for my entire life. My entire life is a time of constant revision so that I can end up whole and perfect. And the great thing is that I have an example to look to. I can constantly revise my life to parallel the life of Jesus Christ and look to the potential I have to become like my Heavenly Father. So I guess revision isn't really all that bad. :)

small enough

2008-09-24T16:45:00.003-06:00

Lately I have had some serious moments of quiet reflection and stressing about my life ahead of me. I wanted to share the lyrics to a song that has connected with me so much. I love all of the songs from the artist, Mindy Gledhill. I just feel like I can really relate to the lyrics and my soul connects with them somehow. I have always loved this song, but developed a greater love for it in recent weeks. It just brings me comfort. It is as if it is my own prayer when I listen to it during those moments when I am struggling. It is called "Small Enough."

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when was crying
from the dark of Daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just want to know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great God, be close enough to feel you now (oh, great God, be close to me)
there have been moments when i could not
face Goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of Jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great God, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"
and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in Solomon's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of Samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head
oh great God, (are you small enough?) be small enough to hear me now

And the best thing is that He is small enough to hear and comfort me!

in case you were wondering . . .

2008-08-12T18:44:00.004-06:00

This is the song that pretty much describes my life right now. It is "Born to Fly" by Sara Evans.

I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow
'Bout the places that I'd like to see
I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me

So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I've been prayin' to find
Is there a brown-eyed boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you've got nothin' but time

But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly

My daddy, he's grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run

Yeah, 'cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a sea
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I'll wander wild and free

Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly

So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly

unfold

2008-07-17T16:20:00.004-06:00

what i can remember
is a lot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can't quite put my finger
down on the moment
that i became like this...

you see i am the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken
by my own doing
and i can't feel
anything anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i'm still real

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

my soul
it's dying to be free
you see.. i can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's dying to be free
it's up to me to choose...
what kind of life i lead

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

I will allow someone to love me
I will allow someone to love me.

This song could potentially be another of my theme songs. It is by an amazing new artist that I ran across a few months ago, Marie Digby. I am definitely a fan of her music and I especially love this song because it kind of describes my life. Because I am completely strong, and yet completely weak, especially when I have to think about potentially totally putting myself out there for a relationship or something like that. I really want someone to see who I really truly am with all of my flaws and imperfections but I fear that once someone really knows me, they won't like me, but I don't want them to like someone that I am not either. So basically I just need to deal with it, bare it all, allow someone to love me, and allow myself to potentially be really hurt, but hey, supposedly "bittersweet is better than safe and sorry." :) And one of these days I am just going to have to take a risk.

On a lighter note, the past three weeks I have had the amazing opportunity to be an EFY counselor! It is seriously the best job ever and I love it!! I am currently on my week off, but starting next week I will be working three more glorious weeks with the amazing youth of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the other amazing counselors and friends that I have met, and the great teachers and session directors that we have! I love it!!

so she dances

2008-03-20T18:16:00.004-06:00

This past weekend was the US National Amateur DanceSport Championships which were held at BYU! I competed in 4 class events because of my dance classes I am taking. I competed Silver Samba and Waltz and Gold Rumba and Foxtrot. In Foxtrot and Waltz (the standard dances) I made it into the quarterfinals which is farther than I have ever gotten in competition before and in Rumba and Samba I made it to the round just before quarterfinals. It was pretty exciting, especially because competing Gold was up a level so I wasn't expecting any call backs. It was a very fun, yet very tiring weekend! I love dancing and it was great to see so many amazing dancers that were competing for the championship titles.

To go along with this post I am including the lyrics from Josh Groban's song So She Dances. It is one of my favorite songs, and I think it tells a really cute story. I like it. :)

a waltz when she walks in the room
she pulls back the hair from her face
she turns to the window to sway in the moonlight
even her shadow has grace

a waltz for the girl out of reach
she lifts her hands up to the sky
she moves with the music, the song is her lover
the melody's making her cry

so she dances
in and out of the crowd like a glance
this romance is
from afar calling me silently

a waltz for the chance I should take
but how will I know where to start?
she's spinning between constellations and dreams
her rhythm is my beating heart

so she dances
in and out of the crowd like a glance
this romance is
from afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever
I give up this view just to tell her
when I close my eyes I can see
the spotlights are bright on you and me
we've got the floor
and you're in my arms
how could I ask for more?

so she dances
in and out of the crowd like a glance
this romance is
from afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever
and I'm giving up this view just to tell her

cuteness :)

sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough, but I'll stand back up.

2008-02-19T23:01:00.001-07:00

the song remembers when

2007-12-20T15:46:00.001-07:00

The inspiration for this post is, of course, Trisha Yearwood's song entitled The Song Remembers When. I heard this song again last night and I realized how much I can relate to it.

If you didn't already know, I really have a thing for song lyrics. I remember the lyrics of songs in an almost freakish way and love finding songs that describe my life as well as the lives of those around me. And, of course, I have different songs that I loved and listened to a lot in relation to different boys in my life. And whenever one of those songs begins to play, I remember the time that I would listen to that song a lot and the memories come flooding back to me. Yes, indeed, the song remembers when.

though I have forgotten all about it . . .
even if the whole world has forgotten
the song remembers when

trying to find a place in this world

2007-12-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

This week is finals week. As such, I have been working on a final paper for one of my classes. We were supposed to choose an ethnic conflict in the world, research it, and then write up our findings. I chose the Palestinian/Israeli conflict in Israel. Wow! I learned so much. I have really learned a lot from this class that I have taken and I have really been thinking a lot about the things that are going on in the world and my place in the world.

With every conflict going on in the world there is so much going on, so much history, so much background, so much culture that we don't know. We just hear or see little snippets of what is happening, but we really don't know. This class and this paper made me realize that we really need to make an effort to learn about what is going on in the world and understand the conflicts. It isn't really enough to just know that so and so are fighting about such and such in some far away land. And yet as we learn about the world, the more we realize how much we don't know. It's crazy, but at least then we won't think that we have all the answers.

It kind of amazes me how much my view of the world has changed over the past year. I'm an anthropology major and had the opportunity to volunteer in Uganda this summer which was the experience of a lifetime. Probably one of the most life-changing things that has happened in my life up to this point. Because of this experience and things I have learned in classes such as this one on war and another one on development I really want to understand what is happening in the world more. I want to stay more up to date with current events, but also know the background to those events. And then as I realize more and more how much I don't know and try to know more, I will be better able to understand the world that I live in and hopefully be able to make some small difference, in what way I don't know just yet. I'm working on that. Just trying to find my place in this world.

dancing through life

2007-12-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

I love to dance. This is true. I have a dream to someday waltz across campus (and not just walking waltzing, really waltzing, maybe even viennese). Yes, we (me and whoever I am waltzing with, it doesn't really work well by yourself) will probably get some weird looks, but it will be fun. And I am crazy anyway so people probably won't find it all that different.

For an example of my craziness: at the last two ward activities I have just had a great desire to dance, mostly triple swing, and so I did. In the middle of the activity. I proceeded to coerce one of my girl friends into dancing with me (the boys were all otherwise occupied) and I pretended to be the guy and lead the dance which is really difficult when you have spent the last few years learning how to follow. But, after a while I learned how to lead a few steps and it was fun. And we triple swing-ed for quite a while. I would have kept dancing for a very long time, and I wanted to, but my dance partner was unfortunately not so enthusiastic. And it ended, but I have the promise of three dance classes next semester calling to me. It is going to be a great semester, I can feel it. :)

Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I love dancing. And, I'm happy.

living out loud

2007-12-14T18:35:00.001-07:00

So the title of this blog came from three songs that I like: "Living Out Loud" from the Charly soundtrack, "Dancing Through Life" from Wicked, and "A Place in This World" from Taylor Swift's CD. I love to dance (and I love Wicked, hence the middle song) and the other two songs pretty much describe my life. Here are some lyrics to illustrate:

I'm out of my mind
But I kinda like it
I'm swimmin' in clouds like I'm royalty
Don't mind if it rains
'Cause nothin' can stop me
It's destiny
I dream when I wake
and dance when I'm sleeping
I give it my all 'cause
I live out loud each minute and hour of every day

***

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
'Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Tryin' to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine.
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah,
But that's ok

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

And I am just a girl--dancing, living out loud, and trying to find a place in the world. :)