06 June 2012

new blog

So it's been over two years since I wrote on this blog. And a lot of changes have happened in my life in those two short years. Marriage, moving, and motherhood to name a few. Therefore, I have created a new blog as this one doesn't really seem to fit my current life. You can find me at madkedhamblin.blogspot.com. Hope to see you there.

09 April 2010

my heart is open

seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
scared of love, but scared of life alone
seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
building walls around my heart to save me, oh
but it's time for me to let it go

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

just when you think that love will never find you
you run away but still it's right behind you, oh
it's just something that we can't control

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

so come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again

My heart is open. The other day I was listening to Keith Urban's song, "My Heart is Open," and really reflected on the condition my heart was in. And I realized that it is open. More open now than it has been in a long time. Gone are the days of hiding behind a protective wall of security and fear. I'm open. I'm ready to lay my heart out on the floor-to really fall, even if it hurts-especially if it hurts. I'm open to potentially hurting much more than I ever have before, because that means that I will have had so much more joy and happiness than I have had. Keith Urban's song talks about the point on having an open heart when you have found someone to open it to, but the song above, "Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antebellum, describes more the point where I am. I was scared of love and scared of life alone. I was playing on the safe side, with walls around my heart, but I've moved past that. I'm ready to feel. I'm not afraid of the fall down. I'm ready to move on in my life, to find someone and not be afraid of how it might end. I'm ready to really love. And the best thing is that this open heart of mine doesn't just refer to a potential relationship with a significant other. My heart is open and ready to love everyone, to really be the best kind of person I can be, to really share the love I have and feel with others. I read a book yesterday, A Heart Like His by Virginia H. Pearce, and it was amazing and an amazing experience to read. I had just been thinking about how my heart was open and the entire book is about opening our hearts to really feel God's love for us and share that love with those around us, to allow that love and openness to change us and give us "a heart like His." I truly realized how open my heart was at that moment and how I want to make it a goal in my life to have a more open heart. In just the past day while I have been aware of the openness of my heart I have had so much more joy and happiness and my capacity to love has increased exponentially. It is so AMAZING!

My heart is open. And I love. :)

27 February 2010

so much more

It's been kind of a rough month and I feel like my emotions have been all over the place. I feel so much so deeply, but at the same time I don't really know what I feel. Although I am acutely aware of the fact that I am feeling, I'm not sure WHAT I am feeling because I am feeling so many different emotions at the same time and for so many different reasons. They say emotions are a roller coaster, but this seems to be so much more than that. I think that I am on three different roller coaster's at the same time or something. It is kind of crazy. Even amidst all of this, life is good. I love the power of music and how it can describe and convey my emotions so perfectly and bring me peace, happiness, and understanding. I recently discovered a song by Mindy and Dustin Gledhill called "So Much More" and it has given me a lot of peace in my life recently. Here are the lyrics:

tell me, is it true?
are you really who they say you are?
I've been searching my whole life through
for a light, for a Savior, for you

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

I've had my doubts and fears
and there are days when I don't know why I'm here
guide me and show the way
and I'll pray to feel your spirit near

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

I long to know
if faith in God can heal me
as I kneel I start to feel
your power and presence near

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

so much more


He does speak to me. I listen because I do believe. I feel. And there is so much more to life and so much more to me. More than I even know.

21 January 2010

life

I'm feeling like this in my life right now:

staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof
after all the crushes are faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
get here

searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
when I see you
until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
staying up all night just to write
a love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance
and watched you walk away?
oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance
and watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here oh yeah

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me

(John Mayer "Love Song for No One")

I want to have someone feel this way about me:

sitting here, on this lonely dock
watch the rain play on the ocean top
all the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too

now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
you're the one thing that I'm missing here
with you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
had I seen the way to get to where I am today
you waited on me for so long
so now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too
say you feel the way I do

(Joshua Radin "I'd Rather Be With You")


And I discovered the lyrics to this song today:

time to tell me the truth
to burden your mouth for what you say
no pieces of paper in the way
cause I can't continue pretending to choose
the opposite sides on which we fall
the loving you laters if at all
no right minds could wrong me this many times

my memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
defending intentions if he fails
until now, he told me her name
it sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
if only I had been listening

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me
always between the lines
between the lines

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed
that we'd move from the shadows on the wall
and stand in the center of it all
too late two choices to stay or to leave
mine was so easy to uncover
he'd already left with the other
so I've learned to listen through silence

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me always be
you and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
wait for me I'm almost ready
when he meant let go

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me
always be
you and me
always between the lines


(Sara Bareilles "Between the Lines")

My favorite lines are:

no right minds could wrong me this many times

my memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
defending intentions if he fails

um, yes. I totally know where she is coming from.

05 November 2009

a change in me

there's been a change in me
a kind of moving on
though what I used to be
I still depend on
for now I realize
that good can come from bad
that may not make me wise
but oh it makes me glad

and I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
my childhood dreams
but I don't mind
for now I love the world I see
no change of heart a change in me

for in my dark despair
I slowly understood
my perfect world out there
had disappeared for good
but in it's place I feel
a truer life begin
and it's so good and real
it must come from within

and I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
my childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
no change of heart
a change in me

no change of heart
a change in me

A few weeks ago as I was walking to work and thinking about life (yes, I got a job, it is at the grocery store Macey's in Provo) this song kept coming to me. It is from the musical "Beauty and the Beast," originally sung by Susan Egan, but the version I have and love is by Mindy Gledhill. (Can I just say that I love the songs she sings, every last one of them. She sings with such emotion and I can just feel the songs.) Just about every word of this song can describe my life right now. The last little while I have really noticed that I changed a lot over the course of the summer and I didn't even notice it. I have become more patient in my life and a lot better at waiting on the Lord. It is definitely something I was struggling with for at least the last year, but now I am content to be patient and wait for things to happen in the Lord's timing. The other day in my scripture study I was reading in the end of Matthew 2 and there is one verse that tells about Christ growing up in Nazareth, but there is a footnote to the Joseph Smith Translation with 3 more verses, 24-26:

24 And it came to pass that Jesus grew up with his brethren, and waxed strong, and waited upon the Lord for the time of his ministry to come.
25 And he served under his father, and he spake not as other men, neither could he be taught; for he needed not that any man should teach him.
26 And after many years, the hour of his ministry drew nigh.

Christ "waited upon the Lord for the time of his ministry," and it says that it was only "after many years" that "the hour of his ministry drew nigh." Christ waited upon the Lord for a very long time (he didn't start his ministry until he was 30), and as I am learning to wait upon the Lord I am becoming more like Him. And just like the song says, for the most part, I AM where and who I want to be. And I am willing to wait for what the Lord has in store for me. :)

25 September 2009

wide open spaces

who doesn't know what I'm talking about?
who's never left home, who's never struck out?
to find a dream and a life of their own
a place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

many precede and many will follow
a young girl's dreams no longer hollow
it takes the shape of a place out west
but what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

she needs wide open spaces
room to make her big mistakes
she needs new faces
she knows the highest stakes

she traveled this road as a child
wide-eyed and grinning, she never tired
but now she won't be coming back with the rest
if these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

she needs wide open spaces
room to make her big mistakes
she needs new faces
she knows the highest stakes
she knows the highest stakes

This is kind of where I am in my life. Basically, this song could be a theme song for what I am doing in my life, why I am living in Provo instead of at home, even though I don't have a job yet and the balance in my bank account continues to drop to an all-time low. I'm ready to live life and see if I can make it on my own. It may be an epic fail, but I'm still hoping for things to work out. And I know they will work out, just probably not in the way that I am expecting.

07 September 2009

songs from the summer

So . . . this summer. It was a good one. A hard one, but a good one. I worked as a Building Counselor for EFY and I loved it. This job really was an answer to all of my prayers during winter semester. I was originally only hired as a counselor for three weeks and was wondering what I was going to do for the rest of the summer and how I was going to make money. And then a month before EFY began, I got a call that they needed more BC's and that they wanted me. Definitely a tender mercy in my life. And that is how this summer came about. I worked for eight weeks as a BC in Provo and two as a counselor in Ogden. During this time, the two songs that I probably listened to the most and that described different parts of my life were Sara Evans' "Need to Be Next to You" and Lady Antebellum's"One Day You Will." Mostly just the beginning part of Sara Evans' song described my life, the first verse and the beginning of the chorus:

been running from these feelings for so long
telling myself I didn't need you
pretending I was better off alone
but I know that it's just a lie
so afraid to take a chance again
so afraid of what I feel inside

but I need to be next to you

The first time I heard "One Day You Will" I knew that it was going to be a favorite song of mine. And then I really listened to the lyrics and I fell in love with it all over again.

you feel like you're falling backwards
like you're slippin' through the cracks
like no one would even notice
if you left this town and never came back
you walk outside and all you see is rain
you look inside and all you feel is pain
and you can't see it now

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

you wake up every morning and ask yourself
what am I doing here anyway
with the weight of all those disappointments
whispering in your ear
you're just barely hanging by a thread
you wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
and you don't know it yet

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

find the strength to rise above
you will
find just what you're made of, you're made of

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

one day you will
oh, one day you will

During the summer there were many times where I felt like I was slipping through the cracks. I just didn't feel like things were going to work out or know how they would, and I still really don't know how they will, but I know that they will. I still haven't found everything I'm looking for (a job, love, and so many other things), but one day I will. My life will work out. :)