09 April 2010

my heart is open

seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
scared of love, but scared of life alone
seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
building walls around my heart to save me, oh
but it's time for me to let it go

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

just when you think that love will never find you
you run away but still it's right behind you, oh
it's just something that we can't control

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

so come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

yeah, I'm ready to feel now
no longer am I afraid of the fall down
it must be time to move on now
without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again

My heart is open. The other day I was listening to Keith Urban's song, "My Heart is Open," and really reflected on the condition my heart was in. And I realized that it is open. More open now than it has been in a long time. Gone are the days of hiding behind a protective wall of security and fear. I'm open. I'm ready to lay my heart out on the floor-to really fall, even if it hurts-especially if it hurts. I'm open to potentially hurting much more than I ever have before, because that means that I will have had so much more joy and happiness than I have had. Keith Urban's song talks about the point on having an open heart when you have found someone to open it to, but the song above, "Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antebellum, describes more the point where I am. I was scared of love and scared of life alone. I was playing on the safe side, with walls around my heart, but I've moved past that. I'm ready to feel. I'm not afraid of the fall down. I'm ready to move on in my life, to find someone and not be afraid of how it might end. I'm ready to really love. And the best thing is that this open heart of mine doesn't just refer to a potential relationship with a significant other. My heart is open and ready to love everyone, to really be the best kind of person I can be, to really share the love I have and feel with others. I read a book yesterday, A Heart Like His by Virginia H. Pearce, and it was amazing and an amazing experience to read. I had just been thinking about how my heart was open and the entire book is about opening our hearts to really feel God's love for us and share that love with those around us, to allow that love and openness to change us and give us "a heart like His." I truly realized how open my heart was at that moment and how I want to make it a goal in my life to have a more open heart. In just the past day while I have been aware of the openness of my heart I have had so much more joy and happiness and my capacity to love has increased exponentially. It is so AMAZING!

My heart is open. And I love. :)

27 February 2010

so much more

It's been kind of a rough month and I feel like my emotions have been all over the place. I feel so much so deeply, but at the same time I don't really know what I feel. Although I am acutely aware of the fact that I am feeling, I'm not sure WHAT I am feeling because I am feeling so many different emotions at the same time and for so many different reasons. They say emotions are a roller coaster, but this seems to be so much more than that. I think that I am on three different roller coaster's at the same time or something. It is kind of crazy. Even amidst all of this, life is good. I love the power of music and how it can describe and convey my emotions so perfectly and bring me peace, happiness, and understanding. I recently discovered a song by Mindy and Dustin Gledhill called "So Much More" and it has given me a lot of peace in my life recently. Here are the lyrics:

tell me, is it true?
are you really who they say you are?
I've been searching my whole life through
for a light, for a Savior, for you

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

I've had my doubts and fears
and there are days when I don't know why I'm here
guide me and show the way
and I'll pray to feel your spirit near

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

I long to know
if faith in God can heal me
as I kneel I start to feel
your power and presence near

if you would speak to me
I would listen because I believe
there's so much more to life
and so much more to me

so much more


He does speak to me. I listen because I do believe. I feel. And there is so much more to life and so much more to me. More than I even know.

21 January 2010

life

I'm feeling like this in my life right now:

staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof
after all the crushes are faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
get here

searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
when I see you
until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
staying up all night just to write
a love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance
and watched you walk away?
oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance
and watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here oh yeah

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me

(John Mayer "Love Song for No One")

I want to have someone feel this way about me:

sitting here, on this lonely dock
watch the rain play on the ocean top
all the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too

now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
you're the one thing that I'm missing here
with you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
had I seen the way to get to where I am today
you waited on me for so long
so now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
need to jump in the cold water
need to grow older with a girl like you
finally see you are naturally
the one to make it so easy
when you show me the truth
yeah, I'd rather be with you
say you want the same thing too
say you feel the way I do

(Joshua Radin "I'd Rather Be With You")


And I discovered the lyrics to this song today:

time to tell me the truth
to burden your mouth for what you say
no pieces of paper in the way
cause I can't continue pretending to choose
the opposite sides on which we fall
the loving you laters if at all
no right minds could wrong me this many times

my memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
defending intentions if he fails
until now, he told me her name
it sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
if only I had been listening

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me
always between the lines
between the lines

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed
that we'd move from the shadows on the wall
and stand in the center of it all
too late two choices to stay or to leave
mine was so easy to uncover
he'd already left with the other
so I've learned to listen through silence

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me always be
you and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
wait for me I'm almost ready
when he meant let go

leave unsaid unspoken
eyes wide shut unopened
you and me
always be
you and me
always between the lines


(Sara Bareilles "Between the Lines")

My favorite lines are:

no right minds could wrong me this many times

my memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
defending intentions if he fails

um, yes. I totally know where she is coming from.