30 January 2009

yesterday the odds were stacked in favor of my expectations

The other day as I was peeling an orange, I noticed something about myself and learned a life lesson. I love oranges and that is definitely a good thing because I take a lot of time to peel them. And if I didn't love oranges so much I don't think that I would go through all the work. I almost always peel my oranges rather than cutting them. And, once I have taken off the orange peel I spend at least another five to seven minutes peeling off all the white stuff that is still stuck on the orange. Even while I am eating my orange, I take the time to peel off the little bitter bits of whiteness. And I am really patient about it, the orange is worth it enough to me to go through all that work for the end product of delicious, juicy, fleshy, orange-ness. I realized that I need to have more of that kind of patience in my life, especially with all of my frustrations deciding what step to take next in my life. So I am trying to do that.

One of the Christmas presents I received was a guitar. I was very surprised and excited to get it because my mom had told me that it wasn't going to happen. I love playing the guitar and spend a lot of time working on it. I am nowhere near good, but I love that I can see when I improve. When a difficult chord becomes easy, or I pick up a new strumming pattern (still working on the picking patterns though). I am definitely growing my patience while learning to play the guitar.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to the open house for the Draper Temple. I was very excited. For probably the last 4 or 5 years or so, one of my strongest desires is to go to the temple and receive my endowment. Part of me just aches for that experience. I have had to learn a lot of patience while waiting for this opportunity. I still get frustrated about it from time to time, but know that it will all work out, and probably in some way that I never would have thought possible.

Yet another aspect of my current life that has forced me to learn patience is in my decisions for the future. I applied for Teach For America and had a phone interview. I was so excited to go live somewhere in the United States and teach in an under-privileged school. And it was something that I know I could be successful in and really make a difference in the lives of children. Alas, I was not invited for a final interview. They didn't want me. More than being disappointed about the rejection, I am just a little bit frustrated that, once again, I need to come up with a new life plan. As exciting as it is, I kind of just want something to work out. Another thing I noticed after this experience is that quite a few times in my life, people or organizations act as if they really want me, recruiting me to be a part of their group, to apply for a certain position, or, in the case of people, to act as if they like me and want to date me, and then rescind their desire for me. That is also a frustration. And where the song lyric for today's post comes. The song is by Alison Krauss, entitled "Maybe." Only the first few lines really apply to my life right now, but it is a beautiful song. Listen to it!

Yesterday the odds were stacked in favor of my expectations
Lying above the rest, never falling from the nest
Tuesday came and went and now I'm in a little situation
Maybe it's for the best, I can live alone I guess

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

Forgive if I'm keeping you apart from better conversation
I'm numb from all my doubt, trying to sort the whole thing out
Tell me that I'm smart enough to deal with all the information
Spinning inside my head, every word he ever said

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

14 January 2009

every step I take's an act of faith

So it's been a while since I last posted. A few highlights from the last few months include:

~spending a lot of time with my family, I love them!
~official graduation from college, I now officially have a BA, weird!
~turning in my Teach For America application (I have a phone interview this weekend, I'll keep you updated)

I don't really have much to say. I'm happy and excited for everything that I have ahead of me. And I really think I want to do the Teach For America thing. The more I find out about it, I want to be involved in it. So that is probably the number one thing on my list for what to do with my life now that I am graduated from college. I feel really good about it, I know that if I do it, it will be hard, but I am up for the challenge and the growth that will come with it. I am ready to move on with my life. I am not exactly sure what is going to happen and that is scary, but I know that it will all work out. Every step I take really is an act of faith, which is good for me. That line comes from a song sung by Bianca Ryan called "Awake" and I think that it somewhat relates to my life and my excitement for the future. It's the closest thing I could find to a song that describes my life, so enjoy!

Lost in the crowd where forever I'll never be seen.
Shouting out loud, gotta find a way out of this dream, mhmmmm.
Cause I don't want to hide, not from the world outside.
Today my eyes are open wide.

And now I'm awake.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
And now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

Maybe I'm shy, but inside I just wanna be free.
Maybe I found there's a quiet in people like me, mhmmmm.
But there's a noise within, that's where our voice begins.
And then the sound of silence ends.

And now I'm awake.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
And now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

So every step I take's an act of faith.
Everywhere I go I find myself.

Now I'm awake, mmmmm.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
Now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong, I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

Now I'm awake.