05 November 2009

a change in me

there's been a change in me
a kind of moving on
though what I used to be
I still depend on
for now I realize
that good can come from bad
that may not make me wise
but oh it makes me glad

and I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
my childhood dreams
but I don't mind
for now I love the world I see
no change of heart a change in me

for in my dark despair
I slowly understood
my perfect world out there
had disappeared for good
but in it's place I feel
a truer life begin
and it's so good and real
it must come from within

and I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
my childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
no change of heart
a change in me

no change of heart
a change in me

A few weeks ago as I was walking to work and thinking about life (yes, I got a job, it is at the grocery store Macey's in Provo) this song kept coming to me. It is from the musical "Beauty and the Beast," originally sung by Susan Egan, but the version I have and love is by Mindy Gledhill. (Can I just say that I love the songs she sings, every last one of them. She sings with such emotion and I can just feel the songs.) Just about every word of this song can describe my life right now. The last little while I have really noticed that I changed a lot over the course of the summer and I didn't even notice it. I have become more patient in my life and a lot better at waiting on the Lord. It is definitely something I was struggling with for at least the last year, but now I am content to be patient and wait for things to happen in the Lord's timing. The other day in my scripture study I was reading in the end of Matthew 2 and there is one verse that tells about Christ growing up in Nazareth, but there is a footnote to the Joseph Smith Translation with 3 more verses, 24-26:

24 And it came to pass that Jesus grew up with his brethren, and waxed strong, and waited upon the Lord for the time of his ministry to come.
25 And he served under his father, and he spake not as other men, neither could he be taught; for he needed not that any man should teach him.
26 And after many years, the hour of his ministry drew nigh.

Christ "waited upon the Lord for the time of his ministry," and it says that it was only "after many years" that "the hour of his ministry drew nigh." Christ waited upon the Lord for a very long time (he didn't start his ministry until he was 30), and as I am learning to wait upon the Lord I am becoming more like Him. And just like the song says, for the most part, I AM where and who I want to be. And I am willing to wait for what the Lord has in store for me. :)

25 September 2009

wide open spaces

who doesn't know what I'm talking about?
who's never left home, who's never struck out?
to find a dream and a life of their own
a place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

many precede and many will follow
a young girl's dreams no longer hollow
it takes the shape of a place out west
but what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

she needs wide open spaces
room to make her big mistakes
she needs new faces
she knows the highest stakes

she traveled this road as a child
wide-eyed and grinning, she never tired
but now she won't be coming back with the rest
if these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

she needs wide open spaces
room to make her big mistakes
she needs new faces
she knows the highest stakes
she knows the highest stakes

This is kind of where I am in my life. Basically, this song could be a theme song for what I am doing in my life, why I am living in Provo instead of at home, even though I don't have a job yet and the balance in my bank account continues to drop to an all-time low. I'm ready to live life and see if I can make it on my own. It may be an epic fail, but I'm still hoping for things to work out. And I know they will work out, just probably not in the way that I am expecting.

07 September 2009

songs from the summer

So . . . this summer. It was a good one. A hard one, but a good one. I worked as a Building Counselor for EFY and I loved it. This job really was an answer to all of my prayers during winter semester. I was originally only hired as a counselor for three weeks and was wondering what I was going to do for the rest of the summer and how I was going to make money. And then a month before EFY began, I got a call that they needed more BC's and that they wanted me. Definitely a tender mercy in my life. And that is how this summer came about. I worked for eight weeks as a BC in Provo and two as a counselor in Ogden. During this time, the two songs that I probably listened to the most and that described different parts of my life were Sara Evans' "Need to Be Next to You" and Lady Antebellum's"One Day You Will." Mostly just the beginning part of Sara Evans' song described my life, the first verse and the beginning of the chorus:

been running from these feelings for so long
telling myself I didn't need you
pretending I was better off alone
but I know that it's just a lie
so afraid to take a chance again
so afraid of what I feel inside

but I need to be next to you

The first time I heard "One Day You Will" I knew that it was going to be a favorite song of mine. And then I really listened to the lyrics and I fell in love with it all over again.

you feel like you're falling backwards
like you're slippin' through the cracks
like no one would even notice
if you left this town and never came back
you walk outside and all you see is rain
you look inside and all you feel is pain
and you can't see it now

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

you wake up every morning and ask yourself
what am I doing here anyway
with the weight of all those disappointments
whispering in your ear
you're just barely hanging by a thread
you wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
and you don't know it yet

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

find the strength to rise above
you will
find just what you're made of, you're made of

but down the road the sun is shining
in every cloud there's a silver lining
just keep holding on
and every heartache makes you stronger
but it won't be much longer
you'll find love, you'll find peace
and the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
but one day you will

one day you will
oh, one day you will

During the summer there were many times where I felt like I was slipping through the cracks. I just didn't feel like things were going to work out or know how they would, and I still really don't know how they will, but I know that they will. I still haven't found everything I'm looking for (a job, love, and so many other things), but one day I will. My life will work out. :)

01 April 2009

I will rest in you

I just wanted to share the lyrics from a song that has really helped me at many times throughout my life. I love all of Mindy Gledhill's music, but this song in particular has special meaning to me. It is called "I will rest in you." Listen to it somehow, it is wonderful. Whenever I have had a bad day, or am just feeling down for whatever reason I can listen to this song and everything seems to fade away. The music calms me and her words become my words, my plea for help to my Heavenly Father. I am enveloped in the calm and peace of the spirit and truly begin to rest in Him.

Lord, I’m in the dark
seems to me the light is dead while I come crawling
no one there, the sky is falling
Lord, I need to know
my mind is playing games again; you’re right where you have always been

take me back to you
the place that I once knew
as a little child
constantly the eyes of God watched over me
oh, I want to be, in the place that I once knew
as a little child
fall into the bed of faith prepared for me
I will rest in you
I will rest in you
I will rest in you

tell me I’m a fool
tell me that you love me for the fool I am
and comfort me like only you can
tell me there’s a place
where I can feel your breath like sweet caresses on my face again

take me back to you
the place that I once knew
as a little child
constantly the eyes of God watched over me
oh, I want to be, in the place that I once knew
as a little child
fall into the bed of faith prepared for me
I will rest in you
I will rest in you
I will rest in you, ah

I will rest in you
I will rest in you
I will rest in you

I will rest in you

I will rest in you
I will rest in you
I will rest in you

26 February 2009

africa

I love Africa. I do. And I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I am looking into applying for internships with various humanitarian agencies, and I keep on remembering my experience in Uganda. I lived there a few summers ago for a few months and it was an amazing experience. I learned so much. I was able to get to know so many amazing people and adorable children. I started a program where I would read and play activity songs with the kindergarten age students at one of the schools we volunteered at and this is what greeted me every day when I arrived:
video
I miss it. A lot. I really wish I could go back. I would love to do that with my summer and the rest of my life. On my way back to the United States, after my experience in Uganda, I wrote something in the airport that I want to share, just basically my thoughts on leaving(with a few lyrics from Carrie Underwood songs that I was listening to and applied to my life at the time):

don't forget to remember me . . .

so excited to go home, but really sad and missing the kids. oh how I love them, I just want to hug them one last time. sharon and peace and sharon and shafic and paul and tazuli and julliet and faizo and hamidan and nakato and miriam and mariam and fiona and fiona and lydia and molly and agnes and all of them, every single one, even alex the leech and colline the thumb-sucker and bum-toucher, and eric with his huge smile and sick hands and just everyone, all of their smiles and all of their laughter, will I ever hear it again? It breaks my heart to think that I won't, that I won't know what will happen in their lives, that some of them will die in the next few years, more will be orphaned, some will get aids, be raped, be beaten, it makes me hurt inside, they are so innocent and the world is so unfair.

. . . moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.


And I said goodbye. I have even recently been toying with the idea of starting an orphanage somewhere in Africa. The desire to do that has recently returned to me. So I don't really know what I am doing with my life, but maybe it will include Africa.

30 January 2009

yesterday the odds were stacked in favor of my expectations

The other day as I was peeling an orange, I noticed something about myself and learned a life lesson. I love oranges and that is definitely a good thing because I take a lot of time to peel them. And if I didn't love oranges so much I don't think that I would go through all the work. I almost always peel my oranges rather than cutting them. And, once I have taken off the orange peel I spend at least another five to seven minutes peeling off all the white stuff that is still stuck on the orange. Even while I am eating my orange, I take the time to peel off the little bitter bits of whiteness. And I am really patient about it, the orange is worth it enough to me to go through all that work for the end product of delicious, juicy, fleshy, orange-ness. I realized that I need to have more of that kind of patience in my life, especially with all of my frustrations deciding what step to take next in my life. So I am trying to do that.

One of the Christmas presents I received was a guitar. I was very surprised and excited to get it because my mom had told me that it wasn't going to happen. I love playing the guitar and spend a lot of time working on it. I am nowhere near good, but I love that I can see when I improve. When a difficult chord becomes easy, or I pick up a new strumming pattern (still working on the picking patterns though). I am definitely growing my patience while learning to play the guitar.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to the open house for the Draper Temple. I was very excited. For probably the last 4 or 5 years or so, one of my strongest desires is to go to the temple and receive my endowment. Part of me just aches for that experience. I have had to learn a lot of patience while waiting for this opportunity. I still get frustrated about it from time to time, but know that it will all work out, and probably in some way that I never would have thought possible.

Yet another aspect of my current life that has forced me to learn patience is in my decisions for the future. I applied for Teach For America and had a phone interview. I was so excited to go live somewhere in the United States and teach in an under-privileged school. And it was something that I know I could be successful in and really make a difference in the lives of children. Alas, I was not invited for a final interview. They didn't want me. More than being disappointed about the rejection, I am just a little bit frustrated that, once again, I need to come up with a new life plan. As exciting as it is, I kind of just want something to work out. Another thing I noticed after this experience is that quite a few times in my life, people or organizations act as if they really want me, recruiting me to be a part of their group, to apply for a certain position, or, in the case of people, to act as if they like me and want to date me, and then rescind their desire for me. That is also a frustration. And where the song lyric for today's post comes. The song is by Alison Krauss, entitled "Maybe." Only the first few lines really apply to my life right now, but it is a beautiful song. Listen to it!

Yesterday the odds were stacked in favor of my expectations
Lying above the rest, never falling from the nest
Tuesday came and went and now I'm in a little situation
Maybe it's for the best, I can live alone I guess

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

Forgive if I'm keeping you apart from better conversation
I'm numb from all my doubt, trying to sort the whole thing out
Tell me that I'm smart enough to deal with all the information
Spinning inside my head, every word he ever said

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

14 January 2009

every step I take's an act of faith

So it's been a while since I last posted. A few highlights from the last few months include:

~spending a lot of time with my family, I love them!
~official graduation from college, I now officially have a BA, weird!
~turning in my Teach For America application (I have a phone interview this weekend, I'll keep you updated)

I don't really have much to say. I'm happy and excited for everything that I have ahead of me. And I really think I want to do the Teach For America thing. The more I find out about it, I want to be involved in it. So that is probably the number one thing on my list for what to do with my life now that I am graduated from college. I feel really good about it, I know that if I do it, it will be hard, but I am up for the challenge and the growth that will come with it. I am ready to move on with my life. I am not exactly sure what is going to happen and that is scary, but I know that it will all work out. Every step I take really is an act of faith, which is good for me. That line comes from a song sung by Bianca Ryan called "Awake" and I think that it somewhat relates to my life and my excitement for the future. It's the closest thing I could find to a song that describes my life, so enjoy!

Lost in the crowd where forever I'll never be seen.
Shouting out loud, gotta find a way out of this dream, mhmmmm.
Cause I don't want to hide, not from the world outside.
Today my eyes are open wide.

And now I'm awake.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
And now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

Maybe I'm shy, but inside I just wanna be free.
Maybe I found there's a quiet in people like me, mhmmmm.
But there's a noise within, that's where our voice begins.
And then the sound of silence ends.

And now I'm awake.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
And now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

So every step I take's an act of faith.
Everywhere I go I find myself.

Now I'm awake, mmmmm.
I have no fear, won't disappear, I'll still be here tomorrow.
Now I'm awake.
I'm feeling strong, I'll carry on, a thousand years and more.

Now I'm awake.