22 October 2008

my faith in you was fading . . .

Last night I was talking to one of my roommates and basically came to the conclusion that I have pretty much lost my confidence in guys. Because of my past experiences and relationships (if they can be called relationships) I now just expect nothing to ever work out. I expect that a guy will not be true to his word, but instead say a lot of nice things about what we are going to do together and then just fall of the face of the planet and never call or talk to me again. Or I am certain that he will find a new girl that he likes better than me and just leave me hanging with no explanation. Now, somewhere in my head I know that there are guys out there that aren't like that, that are true to their word and won't disappear on me. But I haven't found them and so I continue expecting guys to disappear, and so far they have been. The fact that I expect them to disappear probably doesn't make the situation any better, but thus it is. Surprisingly, a verse from Taylor Swift's new song "Love Story" really resonates with me:

I got tired of waiting
wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you was fading
. . . and I said
romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head, I don’t know what to think

Now the end of this story ends happily and hopefully mine will too. There will be a guy out there who will be true to his word and prove to me time and time again that he isn't just going to disappear and walk out on me. So, here's hoping for some happy endings! :)

13 October 2008

fall

So I have realized lately something that I guess I really have known for a while, but it just hit me once again recently. Girls are really good at hiding their feelings and pretending like they are totally okay when in fact they are so far from being okay it is really scary. I suppose guys could potentially be this way too, but I don't really have major amounts of insight into their thought processes seeing as how I grew up with four sisters (and eventually gained a baby brother, but he doesn't count for these things) and now live solely with other females. I know there are so many times in my life where I just pretend like everything is okay either because everyone else around me isn't okay and I need to be the stable one, or I just don't want people to know that I am not actually as stable and sure of myself as I appear to be. The song "Fall" by Clay Walker pretty much describes this and basically I love it because he tells her that it is okay to fall apart and not be okay. I want someone in my life that I can be "not okay" with. Someone who will comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. To wipe away my tears, kiss my forehead, and envelop me in their arms. So I am just waiting for that day. :)

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, honey, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

08 October 2008

a constant state of revision

For the past month or so I have been getting together the final things I need in order to graduate with honors. I turned in my portfolio last week which was a really weird feeling. I mean, being done with something that you have been thinking about for the last four years is a strange feeling. And I have been revising my thesis so many times. Basically I have been revising it constantly for the past month, which can be really frustrating at times since I just want to have it done. But I am getting closer and closer to having it be something good and worthwhile. I turned it in to the honors department today, but will probably still change it a little bit more in the coming weeks before my defense. It needs to be stronger in some ways and hopefully I can do that.
Anyway, with all this thinking about revision and thinking that I was in a constant state of revision, I realized that the idea of revision could really apply to my life in so many ways. I really am in a constant state of revision. I always am working to make myself a better person, cutting out the parts of my life that are less than satisfactory and reordering things. As different things happen in my life I have to adjust to them. And I will be constantly revising because I am not going to be complete and finished for my entire life. My entire life is a time of constant revision so that I can end up whole and perfect. And the great thing is that I have an example to look to. I can constantly revise my life to parallel the life of Jesus Christ and look to the potential I have to become like my Heavenly Father. So I guess revision isn't really all that bad. :)