12 November 2008

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me

So I kind of have this problem wherein I get excited about many different things. Generally this is a good thing because being excited and happy is a good thing, but difficulties often arise when the various things I am getting excited about are what I am going to do with my life. I graduate in December and so now I am striving to make the decision of what I want to be when I grow up, what path I should pursue after graduation. There are so many options and I would enjoy and grow from all of them. So it is hard to make a decision. As an example, I will share an event from my life last week:
One of the things that I am looking into doing after graduation is Teach For America, which is an amazing program and I would enjoy doing. I was invited to a luncheon with a few students currently in the program and other prospective core members. And it was a great experience. I came out of the luncheon feeling that TFA was the thing for me! I was so excited to go and teach underprivileged kids and knew that it was going to be a great experience. I had started my application for the program and only had a few short essays to write before submitting it three days later. I was on my way! Then, the next day I went to an information session for the Master of Public Policy program here at BYU, which is another option I am looking into. I sat and listened and thought, well, of course this is what I want to do! I was all excited to apply to and begin the program. So the problem is that on Wednesday I was all for TFA and then Thursday I came home all revved up for an MPP. And from time to time I get excited about my other options: an internship with the LDS Church Humanitarian Services, finding a random job working in a local NGO or other service organization, getting a random job in an office and volunteering in many different organizations, or so many other things . . . I am excited for what the future will bring to me, but I just wish that I could decide which step to take. I love getting excited about things, but sometimes it is also frustrating. And yet, amidst all the confusion, I am certain that everything will come together in my life and work out for the best. I have faith and hope that it will, and it will. :)

p.s. I had second thoughts about TFA (not wanting to apply on a whim) and so decided not to apply until the application deadline in January, to give myself more time to make the decision.

22 October 2008

my faith in you was fading . . .

Last night I was talking to one of my roommates and basically came to the conclusion that I have pretty much lost my confidence in guys. Because of my past experiences and relationships (if they can be called relationships) I now just expect nothing to ever work out. I expect that a guy will not be true to his word, but instead say a lot of nice things about what we are going to do together and then just fall of the face of the planet and never call or talk to me again. Or I am certain that he will find a new girl that he likes better than me and just leave me hanging with no explanation. Now, somewhere in my head I know that there are guys out there that aren't like that, that are true to their word and won't disappear on me. But I haven't found them and so I continue expecting guys to disappear, and so far they have been. The fact that I expect them to disappear probably doesn't make the situation any better, but thus it is. Surprisingly, a verse from Taylor Swift's new song "Love Story" really resonates with me:

I got tired of waiting
wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you was fading
. . . and I said
romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head, I don’t know what to think

Now the end of this story ends happily and hopefully mine will too. There will be a guy out there who will be true to his word and prove to me time and time again that he isn't just going to disappear and walk out on me. So, here's hoping for some happy endings! :)

13 October 2008

fall

So I have realized lately something that I guess I really have known for a while, but it just hit me once again recently. Girls are really good at hiding their feelings and pretending like they are totally okay when in fact they are so far from being okay it is really scary. I suppose guys could potentially be this way too, but I don't really have major amounts of insight into their thought processes seeing as how I grew up with four sisters (and eventually gained a baby brother, but he doesn't count for these things) and now live solely with other females. I know there are so many times in my life where I just pretend like everything is okay either because everyone else around me isn't okay and I need to be the stable one, or I just don't want people to know that I am not actually as stable and sure of myself as I appear to be. The song "Fall" by Clay Walker pretty much describes this and basically I love it because he tells her that it is okay to fall apart and not be okay. I want someone in my life that I can be "not okay" with. Someone who will comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. To wipe away my tears, kiss my forehead, and envelop me in their arms. So I am just waiting for that day. :)

Oh, look, there you go again
Puttin' on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin' this and doin' that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take
But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby, fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder, and let it fade away
And if you wanna let go, honey, its okay

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on, hold on,
Hold on to me

Fall
Go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you
Every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear,
Every worry, every tear,
I'm right here
Baby fall

08 October 2008

a constant state of revision

For the past month or so I have been getting together the final things I need in order to graduate with honors. I turned in my portfolio last week which was a really weird feeling. I mean, being done with something that you have been thinking about for the last four years is a strange feeling. And I have been revising my thesis so many times. Basically I have been revising it constantly for the past month, which can be really frustrating at times since I just want to have it done. But I am getting closer and closer to having it be something good and worthwhile. I turned it in to the honors department today, but will probably still change it a little bit more in the coming weeks before my defense. It needs to be stronger in some ways and hopefully I can do that.
Anyway, with all this thinking about revision and thinking that I was in a constant state of revision, I realized that the idea of revision could really apply to my life in so many ways. I really am in a constant state of revision. I always am working to make myself a better person, cutting out the parts of my life that are less than satisfactory and reordering things. As different things happen in my life I have to adjust to them. And I will be constantly revising because I am not going to be complete and finished for my entire life. My entire life is a time of constant revision so that I can end up whole and perfect. And the great thing is that I have an example to look to. I can constantly revise my life to parallel the life of Jesus Christ and look to the potential I have to become like my Heavenly Father. So I guess revision isn't really all that bad. :)

24 September 2008

small enough

Lately I have had some serious moments of quiet reflection and stressing about my life ahead of me. I wanted to share the lyrics to a song that has connected with me so much. I love all of the songs from the artist, Mindy Gledhill. I just feel like I can really relate to the lyrics and my soul connects with them somehow. I have always loved this song, but developed a greater love for it in recent weeks. It just brings me comfort. It is as if it is my own prayer when I listen to it during those moments when I am struggling. It is called "Small Enough."

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when was crying
from the dark of Daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just want to know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great God, be close enough to feel you now (oh, great God, be close to me)
there have been moments when i could not
face Goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of Jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great God, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"
and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in Solomon's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of Samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head
oh great God, (are you small enough?) be small enough to hear me now

And the best thing is that He is small enough to hear and comfort me!

12 August 2008

in case you were wondering . . .

This is the song that pretty much describes my life right now. It is "Born to Fly" by Sara Evans.

I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow
'Bout the places that I'd like to see
I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me

So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I've been prayin' to find
Is there a brown-eyed boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you've got nothin' but time

But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly

My daddy, he's grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run

Yeah, 'cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a sea
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I'll wander wild and free

Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly

So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly

17 July 2008

unfold

what i can remember
is a lot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can't quite put my finger
down on the moment
that i became like this...

you see i am the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken
by my own doing
and i can't feel
anything anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i'm still real

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

my soul
it's dying to be free
you see.. i can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's dying to be free
it's up to me to choose...
what kind of life i lead

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word i say
comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold

I will allow someone to love me
I will allow someone to love me.

This song could potentially be another of my theme songs. It is by an amazing new artist that I ran across a few months ago, Marie Digby. I am definitely a fan of her music and I especially love this song because it kind of describes my life. Because I am completely strong, and yet completely weak, especially when I have to think about potentially totally putting myself out there for a relationship or something like that. I really want someone to see who I really truly am with all of my flaws and imperfections but I fear that once someone really knows me, they won't like me, but I don't want them to like someone that I am not either. So basically I just need to deal with it, bare it all, allow someone to love me, and allow myself to potentially be really hurt, but hey, supposedly "bittersweet is better than safe and sorry." :) And one of these days I am just going to have to take a risk.

On a lighter note, the past three weeks I have had the amazing opportunity to be an EFY counselor! It is seriously the best job ever and I love it!! I am currently on my week off, but starting next week I will be working three more glorious weeks with the amazing youth of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the other amazing counselors and friends that I have met, and the great teachers and session directors that we have! I love it!!

20 March 2008

so she dances

This past weekend was the US National Amateur DanceSport Championships which were held at BYU! I competed in 4 class events because of my dance classes I am taking. I competed Silver Samba and Waltz and Gold Rumba and Foxtrot. In Foxtrot and Waltz (the standard dances) I made it into the quarterfinals which is farther than I have ever gotten in competition before and in Rumba and Samba I made it to the round just before quarterfinals. It was pretty exciting, especially because competing Gold was up a level so I wasn't expecting any call backs. It was a very fun, yet very tiring weekend! I love dancing and it was great to see so many amazing dancers that were competing for the championship titles.

To go along with this post I am including the lyrics from Josh Groban's song So She Dances. It is one of my favorite songs, and I think it tells a really cute story. I like it. :)

a waltz when she walks in the room
she pulls back the hair from her face
she turns to the window to sway in the moonlight
even her shadow has grace

a waltz for the girl out of reach
she lifts her hands up to the sky
she moves with the music, the song is her lover
the melody's making her cry

so she dances
in and out of the crowd like a glance
this romance is
from afar calling me silently

a waltz for the chance I should take
but how will I know where to start?
she's spinning between constellations and dreams
her rhythm is my beating heart

so she dances
in and out of the crowd like a glance
this romance is
from afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever
I give up this view just to tell her
when I close my eyes I can see
the spotlights are bright on you and me
we've got the floor
and you're in my arms
how could I ask for more?

so she dances
in and out of the crowd like a glance
this romance is
from afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever
and I'm giving up this view just to tell her

cuteness :)

19 February 2008

sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough, but I'll stand back up.